Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
someone threw a dead crab at me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish you could order shots online.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
