The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My ATM looks so different sober.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
