Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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