At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
