There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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