I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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