why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
