Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
