for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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