My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
