Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
