My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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