wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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