meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
