fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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