I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
