My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
