Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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