no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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