Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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