Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
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I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
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So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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