So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
