Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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