Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
