saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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