Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
a search helicopter?!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
