we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
