I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.