My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?