Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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(310): i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin. http://tfl.nu/cawx

Replies (3) Good night (1493) Bad night (567)
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(303): View more from Colorado

You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.

(303): View more from Colorado

She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye

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(303): You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake. (303): She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye http://tfl.nu/k1ky

Replies (4) Good night (1365) Bad night (569)
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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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(613): Sorry, I don't speak sober. http://tfl.nu/dwuu

Replies (8) Good night (4214) Bad night (669)
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.

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(814): First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half. http://tfl.nu/df8e

Replies (27) Good night (4397) Bad night (1061)
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.

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(414): You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning. http://tfl.nu/dt9p

Replies (9) Good night (5244) Bad night (597)
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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(941): so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation. http://tfl.nu/o6ey

Replies (41) Good night (892) Bad night (10344)
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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(519): When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon. http://tfl.nu/7cpz

Replies (56) Good night (8561) Bad night (1040)
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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(541): You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore" http://tfl.nu/euok

Replies (12) Good night (5996) Bad night (1208)
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(916): View more from California

No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.

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(916): No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard. http://tfl.nu/3369

Replies (12) Good night (3849) Bad night (1221)
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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(801): Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face. http://tfl.nu/qeig

Replies (6) Good night (4002) Bad night (1278)
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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(601): I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise. http://tfl.nu/o61x

Replies (32) Good night (5568) Bad night (1074)
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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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(910): I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend http://tfl.nu/p2pa

Replies (13) Good night (1132) Bad night (529)
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(817): View more from Texas

I think that's mostly how we became friends.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.

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(817): I think that's mostly how we became friends. (1-817): Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me. http://tfl.nu/n6nc

Replies (9) Good night (1851) Bad night (489)
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(813): View more from Florida

It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.

(315): View more from New York

That's the best compliment I have ever received.

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(813): It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina. (315): That's the best compliment I have ever received. http://tfl.nu/0q70

Replies (5) Good night (2010) Bad night (419)
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(701): View more from North Dakota

We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.

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(701): We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas. http://tfl.nu/et4o

Replies (0) Good night (322) Bad night (582)

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