I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
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They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?