Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
