I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.