I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
