From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
