The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
