Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
sarcasm needs its own font
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
