shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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