I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
