I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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