Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
