if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
