I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
