I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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