worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
