I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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