I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
