You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
