Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
