I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
