I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
