you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
