Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
