You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
