Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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