ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Oh god it's open bar.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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