My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
