i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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