My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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